Celebrating International Women's Month
Get our deep-dive feature articles here, showcasing the views and opinions of African women.
When news broke that DeVon Franklin and Meagan Good ended their marriage, many people questioned and even regretted purchasing their book titled The Wait, were the two encouraged others with their decision to wait until they got married to be intimate. The failure of their marriage almost served as proof that waiting did not guarantee a flawless marriage, and therefore rendered the decision “useless”. However, in a world that puts celebrities on pedestals and only relies on influencer culture to build their belief and value system, it is worth noting that there still is value in waiting until marriage to have sex.
In a society that increasingly emphasizes individualism and personal gratification, and a hyper sexual culture, the concept of waiting until marriage has become less conventional and appears to be antiquated. This can be due to numerous reasons including choosing to marry later in life, the availability of contraceptives, as well as culture’s shift towards individualism.
However, for some women who choose to honor God and their spiritual beliefs, waiting until marriage remains an important decision, grounded in faith and personal values.
What are you really abstaining from?
It is important to set the context of what sex means, which will then give meaning to what waiting until marriage will mean. In an independent survey conducted by Psychology today, it was revealed that over 84% of people only consider sex to be anal, oral, and penetration. The remaining 16% consider mutual masturbation, hand stimulation and kissing to be intimacy alternatives, which can be mutually explored while they wait for their wedding day. However, it is worth noting that the decision to wait until marriage based on religious beliefs, entails avoiding intimacy alternatives and prohibits any sexual contact until marriage.
Debunking the myth that women’s decision to abstain is for the man
Waiting until marriage to engage in sexual intimacy is a personal decision that has often been misunderstood and misrepresented by society. Unfortunately, it has been deemed as oppressive or restrictive, primarily towards women. The decision to wait until marriage for sexual intimacy is often mistakenly framed as being solely for the benefit of men. However, it is important to dispel this notion and acknowledge that women who choose to wait until marriage to have sex do so for reasons deeply rooted in personal self-value, empowerment, and the pursuit of a relationship grounded in emotional connection and shared commitment. It is crucial to recognize that waiting until marriage is not something that is imposed upon individuals against their will. Rather, it is a choice that is made freely, based on personal values, beliefs, and individual faith or cultural backgrounds.
There is a “science” to it
As Dr. Andrew Magers puts it, we are naturally wired for intimacy. Therefore, there are chemicals released to create a bond between partners. “Vasopressin is primarily released in male brains and oxytocin primarily in females. However, when we bond then break, bond then break, we damage our capacity to bond strongly to the next person”. In parallel, research conducted reveals that those who delayed sex until after marriage were significantly more likely to find their first sex experience satisfying. This finding could be attributable to the connection and presumably, a married couple is more likely to possess mutual trust that could make navigating first-time sex together more enjoyable.
Purity culture, religion and the politics of it all
Literature seems to be of the idea that the decision of abstinence, is a subset of purity culture that takes a strict biblical stance on sexual purity, teaching abstinence or chastity prior to heterosexual marriage. There is a further claim these teachings whether in a cultural or religious context have harmed women by normalizing the oppression of their bodies, restricting sexual agency, teaching a shame response to pleasure, and perpetuating rape culture. In some settings, purity teachings characterize young men as inherently sexual beings without control over their urges or responsibility for uncontrollable sexual actions and situate young women as both gatekeepers of sex without any urges or sexuality of their own while simultaneously shaming young women. However, being revolutionary about the rights and autonomy of women also means we acknowledge that they exercise their will and freedom of expression by being conservative. Choosing to abide by and honor the expectations of conduct prescribed by religion is not always “oppression” as society puts it. It can mean, women, in their autonomy, saw, evaluated, and subscribed to a way of living that they see as most beneficial. “If sex positivity emphasizes comfort, consent, and empowerment, can the movement embrace the conscientious decision to abstain?”
The wedding bad is filled with thorny roses
Not everyone who sets the intention of waiting to have sex until marriage makes it to the proverbial finish line. Others have expressed their disappointment and the anti-climax with partners who did not meet their sexual needs. Some may find that they are not sexually compatible with their partners. However, in most relationship settings, whether waiting or not waiting, sexual compatibility can be a workable challenge, that is fueled by deeper meaningful connections rather than practicing with multiple partners. Like most “firsts”, even within the context of marriage, sex won’t always be amazing the first time.
Challenging objectification and reaffirming boundaries and building an emotional connection
Waiting until marriage challenges the prevalent issue of sexual objectification that is rampant in today's society. This decision helps individuals break away from the pressure to engage in casual or impulsive sexual relationships and instead encourages them to view themselves and others as more than just objects of desire. By waiting, both women and men reclaim their agency in choosing their partners based on compatible values, spirituality, emotional connection, and long-term compatibility rather than solely physical attraction. This choice allows individuals to embrace their own self-worth and reject the notion that their value is contingent upon their sexual experiences. Moreover, waiting until marriage is an affirmation of personal boundaries. It is a declaration that an individual's body and space are deserving of respect and consent. By setting clear boundaries and choosing to wait, individuals establish a foundation of trust and communication within their relationships. One of the key aspects often overlooked when discussing waiting until marriage is the emphasis it places on emotional well-being. By choosing to delay sexual intimacy, individuals have the opportunity to cultivate deep emotional connections with their partners, establishing a sense of trust, mutual respect, and communication.
This intentional period of waiting allows couples to explore and nurture their emotional compatibility, ensuring that their relationship is built on a solid foundation of shared values, effective communication, and deep intimacy. By prioritizing emotional connection before physical intimacy, individuals can enter into marriage with a stronger understanding of their partner and a stronger bond, ultimately fostering a more fulfilling and meaningful relationship.
Rather than being oppressive, this decision empowers individuals to assert control over their own bodies and affirm the importance of mutual consent in their intimate relationships. It provides a framework for healthy communication, establishing a strong basis for emotional and physical well-being.
In a society that often glorifies casual sexual relationships and places emphasis on physical pleasure, choosing to wait until marriage is a courageous and empowering defiance of societal norms. It allows women to stand confidently against societal pressures and expectations, demonstrating their ability to make autonomous decisions about their own bodies and intimate lives.
By waiting, women reclaim their agency and reject the idea that their worth is determined solely by their sexual experiences or the approval of others. It sends a powerful message that their choices should be driven by personal convictions rather than external influences.
It’s important to reserve judgement about our differences – no matter which path we’ve selected for ourselves. Navigating the timing of intimacy can be challenging, even with the support of a loving partner. Each of us deserves to engage in love and sex in the manner that makes us comfortable – free from the criticisms of those who choose differently.
In 1966, American funk musician James Brown belted out the words "This is a man's world" in the lead single of his critically acclaimed album, It's A Man's Man's Man's World. Throughout the single, he emphasizes this refrain by highlighting men's social and economic achievements. Emotional milestones seem harder to pinpoint, as he ends the chorus with, "It wouldn't be nothing, nothing without a woman or a girl." James Brown understood the value of a woman's influence, but did he know the power that comes from serving and pleasuring women well?
For thousands of years, we had to bow down to the "This is a man's world" misnomer in the courtroom, the boardroom, and the bedroom, only to settle for a participation trophy in someone else's morning glory. Times are changing, and women are growing louder and prouder than ever about their access to and experience of sexual pleasure. However, the sour aftertaste of an outspoken woman's opinion has been hard to swallow for many. Should you want to be a public enemy, you will divide men into those who can and those who cannot.
Content creator and musician Cleotrapa took to her feed in mid-June to show appreciation to those who can. "Shoutout to the n***** that know how to f***," she affirms as she swings her neck the only way a black woman can. In her silky brown bonnet, she makes some noise for the men who know how to please a woman sexually. Naturally, the comment section was brimming with men flattered by the sentiment. "Some of y'all in this comment section need to chill. She's not talking about you," one commenter said, addressing the flurry of men who think they fall in the category of men she is praising in her rant. A 2018 study revealed that an unsatisfactory 18,4% of women reported achieving climax from vaginal penetration alone. This and other statistics made me weep for what women experience or don't do behind closed doors. It's time to speak up and make the experience uniquely yours the next you're on all fours.
Sex and money are taboos older than Queen Elizabeth and sliced bread. We can't talk about money because we don't have enough, and we can't talk about sex because we are unsure how to enjoy it without coming across as whore-ish. Whether you're religious, a heathen, or a combination of both, your contribution to the conversation of pleasurable sex for women is crucial. This is the one pleasure in this life we can master if we focus on these three essential bedroom habits:
There's another person in the room.
Modern formal sex education has evolved drastically over the last few years. Pornography, watched by 84% of women surveyed by Love Matters, is transforming from a tool of shame to a means of sharing. However, pornography sets unrealistic standards and expectations for a young, virgin mind to comprehend.
There's another person in the room who depends on you for their pleasure as much as you rely on them. The more selfless the sexual exchange is, the more likely you will be happy and satisfied. Can you imagine the joy you would feel if you managed to satisfy yourself and your partner?
Learn how to set the mood.
If you've ever watched a pornographic video, you will notice that it gets straight to the point so that you can get your dopamine hit as quickly as possible. Pornography does not do consent and conversations around sex any justice. Most pornographic productions are for profit, so they will not waste time focusing on the safe conversation and connection that leads to the moment you are waiting for.
Once you log out of your favourite website and sit across a potential sexual partner, set the mood and make each other feel comfortable. An excellent way to do this is to play lo-fi music in the background, keep your home clean and fresh, and talk openly about expectations. Avoid mixing pleasure with too much alcohol. Your body needs to be respected, and we don't want alcohol to be an excuse for why it isn't.
Even when sexual activities are casual, being treated like a human being will always be essential.
Focus on what you can do. Learn about what you can't.
Our world bombards us with new and improved ways to spice things up in the bedroom every few years. We are constantly unlearning and relearning, which challenges our comfort and conservativeness around sex. Instances of discomfort and conservativeness require an open conversation about what you can and are afraid to do.
Our bodies are bold, beautiful, and better in some activities than others. Communication will help you and your partner to find a satisfying solution that creates happiness instead of harm. If your partner is more experienced and more adventurous than you are, use it as an opportunity to learn instead of judging. Different things feel good to other people, and an excellent sexual partner will listen and learn as much as they can.
Cleotrapa's controversial yet colourful way of celebrating those who can be an encouragement to those who cannot. The glow and joy from an appreciative, satisfied sexual partner the morning after ought to be the motivation to maintain the standard of safe, pleasurable sex for women.
If you haven't already, this is your sign to rethink what you know and ask about what you don't. On the other side of that fear is a happy person whistling on their way to work because of your desire to please. To those who can, a big shout out to you.
Known to be a way for women to halt the biological clock, egg freezing has become an increasingly viable option for women in first world countries, and has trickled down to the rest of the world. With the growing desire for women to climb up the corporate ladder, pursue other passions, and potentially wait a bit longer to settle down and start a family, the procedure, although costly, allows women to be somewhat in control of when is it best for them to have children.
According to the College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, the peak reproductive years for women is between the ages of 20 to 30. From the age of 35, fertility is said to decline and by age 45, the chances of pregnancy are almost zero. This is because as a woman grows older, the set number of eggs decrease with age and are likely to carry abnormalities. Furthermore, as women age, they are inclined to developing health conditions that affect fertility such as endometriosis, uterine fibroids, to even cervical cancer which may require a hysterectomy. To combat age-related fertility loss, egg freezing has now become the unconventional way for women to take control of what they deem as the right time to have children. Although health is the primary factor in women opting for egg freezing, studies further reveal that women’s lack of a stable partner and career demands in their early years, serve as grounds for social egg freezing.
The egg freezing procedure- How does it work?
Egg freezing is a clinical procedure were medical professionals retrieve eggs from a woman’s ovaries. The procedure involves injecting yourself with hormone medications for a period of up to 12 days (every day) to allow for a group of eggs to develop at the same time. What follows is bloodwork as well as ultrasounds to track the development of the eggs. An embryologist (a person trained to examine eggs and embryos) will then confirm that the eggs are mature and can therefore be retrieved. With this confirmation, a 30-minute procedure to retrieve the eggs will follow, from which the eggs will then be stored in liquid nitrogen and what is called in an embryology lab.
Key considerations- what if it doesn’t work?
Although egg freezing is sold as a way for women to be able to conceive at a later stage in life, it is important to note that the procedure does not guarantee a successful pregnancy later on. Studies by Care Fertility depict that for every 8 eggs frozen, 6 survive the thawing process and chances of birth are up to 32% depending on factors such as age. The general rule is the earlier a woman starts to freeze her eggs, the better the chances of a successful pregnancy.
It is also important to note other health effects that come with egg freezing. These include Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome, which is a condition that occurs when there’s an excessive response to the stimulation of the ovaries because of the hormone injections. Although the condition is uncommon, it can lead to abdominal discomfort, shortness of breath, bloating, swelling of the ankles and weight gain.
It is also worth noting that egg freezing is quite costly for the average woman and rarely covered by health insurance or medical aid. It can cost up to R40 000 per cycle and drugs used to stimulate the eggs are also not covered. You can expect to pay an average of R7000 per annum to have your eggs stored in an embryology lab. This, of course, differs from country to country.
What to expect in preparation for the procedure?
Prior to starting off the egg freezing procedure, there are a couple of checks conducted by a fertility specialist. These include follicle count, confirming your age, and an anti-Müllerian hormone (AMH) test. These checks are all aimed at testing fertility potential.
Now that I have frozen my eggs what is next?
Amongst the advantages that egg freezing presents, is the safety of knowing that there is no set limit for how long the eggs can be stored. Furthermore, your eggs will remain in the same genetic state they were in, at the age you chose to harvest and freeze them.
Once you are ready to have children using your frozen eggs, you will undergo the IVF process. This will entail your eggs thawed and combined with a sperm and allowed to develop for up to 6 days. From then on the eggs fertilized will begin to form embryos which can be transferred into a woman’s body. A successful transfer of the embryos and use of a set of frozen eggs may mean some women may have left over eggs, which they can then opt to donate.
Methods to store the eggs, the type of drugs used to stimulate the eggs have improved over time to make the process less daunting.
The option for women to freeze their eggs has been met with some criticism were women opting for egg freezing without a medical reason are considered selfish-career obsessed women. Egg freezing that is being sold as the ‘ultimate lottery ticket’ to later motherhood is also problematic. The accessibility of this option to non-middle and high income earners due to costs, the health side effects it presents, as well as the lack of guarantee for pregnancy later are important considerations
Become a guest content contributor
As a black woman I can relate with the rhetoric of a “strong black woman” solely because of how it is perpetuated in media and culture. We celebrate the resilience and the “first black woman” more than we celebrate a woman who prioritises her happiness, irrespective of what that looks like and is received in society.
The strong black woman rhetoric resonates with me because I grew up being told that the chemical burn of a relaxer should be endured, because of the myopic view that strength embodied in endurance. It is still expected, that my grandmother ought to cook everyone’s favourite meal when she gets a visitor, without even inquiring if she is ok with that.In my native language, there is a proverb we attribute to the “strong black woman” which states: “mosadi o tshwara thipa ka bogaleng.” Loosely translated, this means the posture of a knife in a strong black woman’s hands, has to be right were the knife cuts, because that is how strong a woman is, or ought to be. If I ever mention how tired I am, how hard things are, the immediate response is always “well, you need to be strong. That is what black women are.” I lived to witness the embodiment of this strength in seeing black women around me struggling to make ends meet, sacrificing their dreams for their families and withstanding storms to be crowned the strong black woman.
In my young adult life, the same monster called “the strong black woman” manifested itself differently. The same rhetoric wearing a different mask, presented itself as an over achiever, breaking corporate glass ceilings and sacrificing happiness and mental health to live up to the “first black woman” notion. The pressure to overachieve and ensuring that no one ever sees you sweat, forms part of what makes up the strong black woman rhetoric. By no means is this to diminish the value of standing in your truth and building intellectual wealth and systems that will benefit and ensure adequate representation of women across all spheres of influence. However, this lethal crown has made the strength of a black woman myopic in perception, and limited it to toiling and enduring.
As we approach women’s month in South Africa, which will be celebrated on the 9th of August, it is imperative to revisit the social constructs that shape what it means to be a woman, particularly a woman of colour, within the South African and global context.On 9 August 1956, 20,000 women left petitions containing more than 100,000 signatures at prime minister J.G. Strijdom‘s office door. The women stood silently outside his door for 30 minutes and then sang a protest song that was composed in honour of the occasion: “Wathint’Abafazi Wathint’imbokodo!” (“Now you have touched the women, you have struck a rock!”).While we rightfully celebrate National Women’s Day, which commemorates the national march of women in 1956 to petition against legislation that required African people to carry the ‘pass’, we need to reflect on celebrating the “strength” of black woman and what that perpetuates in our modern day society.
In a country with close to 28 million women, who make up 50.5% of the population, South Africa still finds itself facing a plethora of social issues which have been detrimental to the development and well-being of women. On average, 1 in 5 South African women over 18 years old have experienced physical violence. The picture of gender-based attacks varies according to marital status and wealth. 4 in 10 divorced or separated women reported physical violence and 1 in 3 women in the poorest households reported the same. Furthermore, statistics indicate that 26% to 31% of households in the Eastern and Western Cape are headed by women. These figures reflect the continued marginalization and challenges women face in South Africa, despite efforts to counter this, and years after the iconic moment in 1956.
In a society with conditions such as the abovementioned, it has become a norm to celebrate women who go beyond the “ordinary” to capacitate and stretch themselves in breaking glass ceilings, embodying the rhetoric of a “strong black woman” who stood “against all odds”. These women have duly received the badge of honour, namely “the first black woman to..” It is common knowledge that we celebrate any woman who has made it for example as one of the 5% of CEOs in the private sector in Africa who are female compared to 4% globally. This celebration is more than we would a give to a woman who chooses to become a housewife. The higher the resistance levels and peaked endurance levels of a woman, the more iconic she is considered in today’s society.
The continued endorsement by society of this race-gender schema should be aligned to the needs, evolution, and mental health of black women. Though self-efficacy is a quality regarded as being built through resilience, the burdensome crown does not to take into account the emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion women are faced with. No one talks about the 10% to 15% of women suffer from Postpartum Mood Disorders (PPMDs), including Postpartum Depression (PPD), postpartum anxiety/Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and Postpartum Psychosis.The strong black woman rhetoric does not take into account that South Africa has the 8th highest suicide rate in the World.
The discreet relief offered in social groups older women disguise as just “social clubs” or “stokvels” have become havens were women can take time off their busy schedules to deal with just a fragment of their mental health issues. The extended coffee days and bathroom breaks are the only places were the “strong black woman” can rest. The suppressed depression, frustration and pressure experienced are also factors we should celebrate and should be embodied in the rhetoric of a strong black woman.Resilience isn’t underpinned in piling up expectations and absorbing the pressure in order to fit the notion of a strong black woman. Breaking glass ceilings should never surpass the importance of rest, recuperating, and prioritising happiness.
The pride and pressure presented in the nurture instinct of a woman is a trait to be respected and protected at all costs, and not to be exploited. In retrospect and tracing what celebrating the strength of a woman entails, it is pivotal to also understand the role of rest, happiness and of a woman prioritising herself over her perceived strength. The journey towards adequate representation, eliminating social ills, and building our society for inclusive and cohesive existence, should not push us towards the breakdown of our mental and emotional well-being, which is to be regulated and prioritised.
As someone who suffers from alopecia, I have had to think deeply about these words. Let us be honest, hair is an important part of a woman’s identity. One of the first things that we notice about a woman is her hair. People box you into a particular category based on the hairstyle that you choose to wear. Women are often told that following a hair routine guarantees healthy, vibrant, and long hair. Is a good hair routine all you need to guarantee hair growth?
What is Alopecia
Central centrifugal cicatricial alopecia (CCCA) is a disease characterized by permanent hair loss in the crown region of the scalp, inflammation, and scarring. It occurs almost exclusively in black women aged 30 to 55 years. There is no known cause for alopecia nor is there a cure for it.
My journey with Alopecia
There is hope! These are the words that the dermatologist said to me after she diagnosed me with alopecia. My first question to her was ‘what is the cure?’ I had a vague and general idea of what alopecia was. When the dermatologist told me that there is no cure for alopecia, I was devasted. For the first time in my life, I realized that I am my hair. It is one thing to cut your hair by choice, but it is another thing to lose patches of hair with no known cause. My mental health took a knock and I struggled to maintain my self-confidence. I had no say on how to wear my hair, instead, I had to wear wigs whether I wanted to or not. I think one of the most challenging things about alopecia is that it not only takes away your hair but also your ability to choose.
For the sake of my mental health, I decided to educate myself on how to maintain healthy hair especially when suffering from hair loss. It has been a long journey and I have had three ‘alopecia episodes.’ I say alopecia episodes because hair loss for me happens in episodes. My hair will grow and remain healthy for a while, followed by sudden hair loss which forces me to cut my hair and start all over again. I have noticed that the precursor for my ‘alopecia episode’ is always a stressful event in my life.
Conclusion
If you suffer from hair loss that causes bald patches maybe it’s time you pay more attention. The sooner that an alopecia diagnosis is made the better the chances of recovery. There is no cure for alopecia, however, there are things that one can do to grow and maintain healthy hair such as taking vitamins, practicing good hair habits, and maintaining overall health.
One does not wake up with good hair simply because one follows a good hair routine. There are other contributing factors (genes, medication, and illness). I have been on this journey for more than three years and I must say that the journey has been humbling, stressful, and challenging. It has also been one of the most rewarding journeys of my life. I hope that my story inspires women out there to keep going and remain hopeful as they navigate their hair journey. At the end of the day, every woman’s hair journey is unique.
There’s a new Tik Tok trend going around called the “clean girl aesthetic” and this is a trend that only represents skinny/slim, no acne, every strand of hair in place, the most expensive clothing, gold jewelry, minimal makeup with a glossy lip and perfumes, it also involves waking up early and doing yoga or Pilates, and to highlight the fact that it’s always a white woman that has her life together. It’s as if this clean girl is exclusive. A good example of her would-be Hailey Bieber or Bella Hadid.
To highlight the slicked-back hair, glossy lip, and gold jewelry, this is not new. Back in the 90s, Black American and Latin women who used to look like this were often referred to as ghetto but now because a white woman is doing the same thing it is seen as cleanliness, minimalism, femininity, and purity.
This trend aims to motivate women to get their lives in order and depicts a near-perfect life but is there such a thing as a perfect life? Romanticizing life is a remarkable thing but also, we need to be realistic about it because on some days we wake up and do not want to do anything but stay in bed. So, does that make me the opposite of clean?
This trend is toxic because if we break it down it is fatphobic, racist, classist, lacks diversity, and degrading. The trend alienates women with acne-prone skin, women with disabilities, and women of color and excludes non-binary people. This trend also means that if you have natural hair or dreadlocks, have body hair, or have features that would be considered masculine then you do not classify as a clean girl. This trend also enables classism because only a certain caliber of women is considered clean or worthy and makes women who do not “fit in” feel less desirable.
The Clean Girl Aesthetic sets unattainable beauty standards and sets beauty hierarchies, meaning that if you don’t meet the criteria then you are considered at the bottom.
Women need to make this world safe for one another and not degrade each other for looking the way that we look or having a preference in looking a certain way and then creating a hierarchy from best to worst. We should also allow for a variety of styles such as streetwear, vintage, grunge, gothic fashion, etc. because this is what makes each person unique and different.
The feeling of being in love is blissful and magical, being in a relationship can be challenging as no perfect relationship exists. Power dynamics exist in any relationship such as romantic, work however it is important to know the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships and power dynamics.
What are Power dynamics?
Power is an individual’s ability to exert influence and control, power exists in every individual’s personality however when one uses their power to control you this is an example of an unhealthy or negative power dynamic.
Power dynamics affect interpersonal relationships which are strong, healthy, and equal in an unhealthy way, problems begin to arise when there is an imbalance of power such as when you or your partner make more money than the other which is common in relationships. A power imbalance arises when the partner who makes more money begins to feel entitled and does not consider the other person’s feelings. This is just one example of unhealthy power dynamics.
When negative power dynamics are experienced, the other partner feels powerless, has low self-esteem, and starts feeling unappreciated. It is important to know how to spot a healthy and unhealthy relationship.
In a healthy and equal relationship, you and your partner should feel comfortable being yourself without receiving any judgment. You should be able to speak about your concerns without being afraid of your partner being offended. Effective communication is the foundation of any relationship, you should be able to communicate with your partner, but you should also be a good listener and be able to understand your partner's feelings.
Respect and trust are important in a healthy relationship, you should both respect each other. Equality is important in a healthy relationship as equality keeps the relationship fair and safe. Equality can be seen in simple tasks such as calling and texting your partner as this shows effort. Trust is an element that should always be visible in a healthy relationship.
Unhealthy relationships may or may not be difficult to spot but here are some common elements of unhealthy relationships.
-Disrespect is often experienced in unhealthy relationships as you or your partner feel more entitled to receiving respect rather than respect being equal.
-Jealousy is a common example of unhealthy relationship jealousy can be normal in a relationship however when your partner starts becoming controlling it is unhealthy.
-Betrayal and deceit are often experienced in an unhealthy relationship.
-Abuse in any form such as sexual, physical, emotional, or financial is a clear sign of an unhealthy relationship.
When a relationship experiences a power imbalance couples counseling and individual counseling are advised as therapy can build effective communication and will allow a couple to express their feelings in a safe space.
There is no perfect relationship however it is important to have a balanced and equal relationship where both individuals feel valued and loved. Building a solid relationship is a long journey but is possible.
The concept of women empowerment has gained significant traction in recent years, sparking a surge in events and conferences tailored towards uplifting and supporting women. These events aim to inspire and motivate women to rise above societal barriers, break glass ceilings, and achieve their full potential. Contrary to friends hosting booster sessions in their living rooms, media companies invite women to attend sessions that they arrange in a quest to get their piece of the pie during women's month.
One of the primary issues plaguing many women empowerment events is the lack of diversity in their participant pool. Although these events may celebrate the achievements of successful women, the majority of speakers and panelists often come from privileged backgrounds. This inadvertently excludes women who face intersectional challenges such as racial or socioeconomic discrimination. White female panelists often become a flag to wave for big corporates in addressing the issue of inclusivity. When women of color are added to the panel, pay parity becomes an issue.
There are three critical questions that deserve examination: why these women's events lack racial and ethnic diversity, how to increase speakers' diversity, and how to ensure equal pay.
Another crucial aspect of inclusivity is ensuring events are accessible to a wide range of women. Unfortunately, many women empowerment events have substantial financial barriers associated with them, such as expensive registration fees or travel costs. This makes it difficult for individuals from disadvantaged backgrounds to attend and benefit from these events. Furthermore, physical accessibility is often overlooked. Ensuring venues are wheelchair accessible and providing appropriate accommodations for individuals with disabilities is vital for creating an inclusive environment. Livestreaming or providing simultaneous translation services for non-English speakers can also broaden the reach of women empowerment events and make them more inclusive
We often see a strange dynamic of donating food parcels without much empowerment for women in disadvantaged communities, and then hosting overpriced gala dinners and brunch events with sheer ostentatiousness. Are we subconsciously paininting a picture that women from disenfranchised backgrounds are unable to relate so much to the concept of empowerment? In that case, who are we really empowering? Who needs to be empowered?
Tokenism can also plague women empowerment events, perpetuating the idea that a few representative women are enough to truly address the issues faced by all women. It is not enough to have a diverse panel without giving speakers meaningful participation and the opportunity to share their experiences and expertise. Event organizers should move beyond checkboxes and actively empower all speakers to contribute and engage in meaningful dialogue. Addressing intersectionality is crucial to creating genuinely inclusive women empowerment events. Intersectionality recognizes that women experience overlapping forms of discrimination, which means that the issues faced by different women can vary significantly. Celebrating diverse experiences and including a range of topics that cover issues such as race, sexuality, nationality, religion, and disability is essential for an inclusive event. Women should be able to see themselves reflected in the discussions, and their unique challenges and triumphs should be acknowledged.
While women empowerment events have undoubtedly been instrumental in fostering women's advancement, it is important to question whether these events truly embody the principles of inclusivity they claim to uphold. Furtermore, with big corporates participating in these events, an effort must be made to address these issues and be authentic in adressing a second layer which is tokenism- were a perfunctory or symbolic effort to be inclusive to members of minority groups, especially by recruiting people from underrepresented groups in order to give the appearance of racial or gender equality within a workplace or educational context. This is a topic for another day
When was the last time you did or saw something for the first time? Your mouth must have hung open with shock or joy, and your eyebrows rose high so that you could keep your eyes open. From exploring with our feet to exploring through tweets, seeing, or hearing about something for the first time does not happen as often as it used to since we are saving our energy by recycling discovery.
An innocent Google search that starts with the keywords 'first black' reveals the unquenchable thirst for newness that social media and its algorithms claim to supply abundantly. Seeing the same faces, stories, and places harms perspective and esteem, which is why the Representation Matters movement trends weekly on your timeline.
The Representation Matters movement broadens the scope of equity to corners of the world that many might not know even exist while latching onto the essence of the Black Lives Matter movement. The movement might appear as a shallow attempt at addressing the issue of inequality in social discourse. Still, it is opening minds to go beyond what we have seen and opening doors to go beyond where we have stopped.
The first time I saw pop superstar Lizzo post a raunchy video of her big, beautiful body on Instagram, I had to stop, drool, and then think about whether this was a good or bad representation. It did not take long for people to try and force her curves straight, unconsciously scaring ordinary big girls back into dark corners of self-hate.
The incomparable former but also forever First Lady Michelle Obama is probably the most socially acceptable example of a good representation that certainly matters. She encouraged teenagers to eat more vegetables; she always smiled when she stood next to her husband and gave us very few reasons to disqualify her as a good First Lady.
However, when Doja Cat makes a hit song about being a cow, our fingers are armed with insults and instructions about how a lady of influence ought to behave. I understand why she unsurprisingly responds by posting poop emoticons on her Instagram feed and shaving her hair because she feels sexy without it. Yes, representation matters, but which one?
Glen Henry, better known as Beleaf, is a hip-hop artist and entrepreneur who is famous for his YouTube Channel, Beleaf in Fatherhood. The father of four was a stay-at-home dad until the birth of his third child and narrates the life and times of parenting his children, something he never thought he would do because he is the product of physical and psychological abuse.
Golden Globe winner and founder of Pattern Beauty, Tracee Ellis Ross, denounced the cultural pressure for women to couple up and bring life to this world at Glamour Magazine's Women of the Year Summit in 2018. She is a successful actor and entrepreneur who is constantly belittled for her singlehood, despite her history-making milestones in comedy, fashion, and cosmetics.
Unlikable, offensive, and non-traditional representations matter just as much as palatable, conservative ones. The scale of the world's diversity is too overwhelming to fathom, and the Representation Matters movement cannot possibly be the best one-size-fits-all response. However, the campaign acts as a mirror where our existence can be validated and recorded in history books.
The next time you see something for the first time, I hope your mouth hangs open, and your eyebrows rise until they touch the sky. Representation still matters. The unique shape of your face, your exciting opinions, and your very existence are the reasons why.
Understanding and dealing with baby blues and postpartum depression
Transitioning from normal life to parenthood can be a scary and daunting process. The birth of a baby is an emotional rollercoaster where one experiences joy, excitement, fear, and anxiety.
Many moms and new moms experience a variety of emotions such as anxiety and do not understand why they may be experiencing these feelings. Baby blues and postpartum depression are not often spoken about which is why some mothers do not understand these emotions. Baby blues and postpartum depression are remarkably similar illnesses and are experienced by many parents.
What are baby blues?
Baby blues are a feeling of sudden sadness that often happens after childbirth and affects around 80% of parents. Baby blues are caused by a decrease in estrogen and progesterone which cause mood swings and feelings of sadness. Emotional distress is another cause of baby blues as new parents may be anxious about taking care of a new baby and may be stressed about a life-changing event. Lack of sleep and not eating can add to experiencing baby blues.
Symptoms and signs of baby blues:
Baby blues should only last up to 2 weeks after the baby is born if you are still experiencing these symptoms after 2 weeks you need to see a medical doctor as you may have postpartum depression.
What can I do to feel better?
There is no treatment for baby blues but there are a few things that can make you feel better
What is postpartum depression?
Postpartum depression is different from baby blues as symptoms last longer than baby blues and is severe. Postpartum depression is a serious mental illness that affects your mental and physical wellbeing.
Postpartum depression affects your day-to-day life, mothers may feel disconnected from their babies and these feelings can vary from mild to severe. Many new mothers feel overwhelmed and experience baby blues symptoms but if these feelings do not disappear after 2 weeks you should seek medical assistance immediately.
New mothers may feel embarrassed, ashamed, or guilty about feeling depressed when they are supposed to be happy. They may also worry they will be seen as bad mothers. Any woman can become depressed during pregnancy or after having a baby. It does not mean you are a bad mom. You and your baby do not have to suffer. There is help. Your doctor can help you figure out whether your symptoms are caused by depression or something else.
Postpartum depression can be treated in many ways such as:
Therapy. During therapy, you talk to a therapist, psychologist, or social worker to learn strategies to change how depression makes you think, feel, and act.
Medication. There are diverse types of medication for postpartum depression. All of them must be prescribed by your doctor or nurse. The most common type is antidepressants. Antidepressants can help relieve symptoms of depression and some can be taken while you are breastfeeding. Antidepressants may take several weeks to start working.
Postpartum depression is not a character flaw or a weakness. Sometimes it is simply a complication of giving birth. Experiencing baby blues or postpartum depression does not mean you are a bad parent it is normal to feel overwhelmed after childbirth.
We learn more from people who challenge our thought process than those who affirm our conclusions. Strong leaders engage their critics and make themselves stronger. Weak leaders silence their critics and make themselves weaker.
Adam Grant
Social media has been abuzz with different opinions as to what is morally right or wrong in terms of how influencers live their lives. An example is the previous trending topics involving Youtuber Mihlali Ndamase and TV personality Ayanda Thabethe, both are massive SA influencers with a huge following, said to be allegedly dating married men. We also saw this play out during the Depp-Heard trial, the Roe V Wade as well as recently when the Vice Chancellor of the University of Cape-Town, Professor Mamokgethi Phakeng was dragged on Twitter for a picture taken while she was on the set of Podcast and Chill. All these incidents have revealed an increasing intolerance between those with differing opinions to engage in a dialogue with elevated levels of respect.
Twitter has revealed a huge gap between the separate camps of right and wrong. This intolerance is demonstrated in the cancel culture era, where if one goes against the mainstream, they are shunned and punished socially and admittedly financially. Where are the respectful dialogues that gave way to meaningful and mutual solutions? What happened to agree to disagree? What happened to educating others and not crucifying them for failing to live up to our so-called ‘Woke-ness’? Most importantly, what happened to respect, acceptance, and appreciation of our diverse views, diverse cultures, and forms of expression?
While social media has also helped with bringing forth freedom of speech and different opinions to the table, it has always highlighted how far back as individuals we have regressed. We are so quick to judge without listening, so careless to announce how those whom we believe are not #TeamUs are #TeamAgainst. There is no middle ground. You either choose one team or are regarded as a deflector, which is worse than not picking a side at all. The Cancel Culture brigade may be seen as trying to promote only one school of thought.
This one school of thought can best be described by writer Chimamanda Ngozi-Adichie in her essay blog in 2021 while discussing the Cancel Culture,” I have spoken to young people who tell me they are terrified to tweet anything, that they read and re-read their tweets because they fear they will be attacked by their own. The assumption of good faith is dead. What matters is not good but the appearance of goodness. We are no longer human beings. We are now angels jostling to out-angel one another. God help us.”
Who would want to go against a virtual mob, of Cancel Culture, when their sole purpose is to ruin their target while masquerading as the morality police? The cancel culture brigade often rushes to tag brands associated with the individual being crucified, demanding their removal without care that their efforts may lead to loss of livelihood for the individual. Cancel culture is the truest form of intolerance and as Professor Mamokgethi says, “We need to address this toxic cancel culture…It is utterly destructive and shatters the aspiration of many young people. If you mean well, educate instead of canceling.”
We live in a world where the progression of ideas is evident in the smallest of things to the biggest of ideas. These days we see different things, mingle with different people, and consume content that is different from what we have grown to know. We are encouraged to get out of our comfort zones and learn more about other people’s ways of doing things but at which point does the line between cultural appropriation and cultural appreciation gets blurred?
Well-renowned African American author Gloria Jean Watkins better known as Bell Hooks spent most of her career trying to find a link between gender, race, and class. In her book, Eating the Other: Desire and Resistance, Hooks dives into the concept of cultural appropriation and why other people’s cultures are often seen as desirable.
Cultural appropriation
Cultural appropriation is the adoption of another person’s culture without the attempt of getting to know that specific element of the culture. This adoption often comes off as stereotypic and disrespectful as many dip their fingers into other cultures without first understanding them. In Eating the Other: Desire and Resistance, Hooks identifies ‘the other’ as someone that is predominantly not part of the white patriarchy. She further explains that the ‘imperialist white supremacist capitalist patriarchy’-a term she repeatedly uses in her book, finds the other as desirable because their culture is different, she believes that people like to explore other people’s cultures because “there is a pleasure to be found in the acknowledgment and enjoyment of racial difference”
We often see this in the mainstream media where African cultures have been subjected to cultural appropriation. This results in the culture being stripped of its originality because people with hyper-visibility reproduce or mimic the culture from hairstyles to music and art, the African Culture is globally inaccurately exposed. African stories, ideas, practices, patterns, sounds, and food are stories mostly told by non-Africans and we see this representation in the white community and a question arises on whether this is cultural appropriation or cultural appreciation.
Cultural appreciation
Cultural appreciation is an act of recognizing and appreciating someone’s culture to learn more about it. It is often confused for cultural appropriation because an individual’s intentions cannot always be explained, and people automatically assume that the individual is appropriating the culture rather than appreciating it. When something is celebrated it is frequently advocated for by sharing, speaking, and visually representing it through clothes and art because when you love something you want to show it off. Across many debates, people have acknowledged that Western culture is equally appropriated.
With the progression of the society, people want to support cultures will less global visibility by doing what they like doing, like eating food from a different ethnic group for example a South African eating Nigerian food or a Kenyan dressing in Zulu wedding attire. This is to solely acknowledge and celebrate each other’s culture.
Cultural appropriation is used as a commodity
African cultures are used as commodities mostly in the entertainment industry because of the diverse range of cultural expressions the continent has to offer. When you watch movies there is always a Black character that is depicted as African. Most of the time the actor is a Black American acting as a Native African. The African culture is then used as a business in other continents because it is seen as uncommon and scarce, and when something is scarce it automatically becomes expensive and this is the case with African culture. Unfortunately, African countries do not benefit much from this exchange of goods as the currency of the Dollar, Euro and Pound affect their profitability. African countries should exchange amongst themselves.
As the utopia of 2019 quickly becomes a fogging memory, we all speak about fondly, social media hashtags are changing from #blessed to #stressed as the aftermath of the Covid-19 pandemic continues to unfold. As many of us try our best to close a chapter of our lives filled with deadly variants and moving back in with our parents, a new chapter is being opened. Buzzwords like self-care, boundaries and positive energy are filling the gaping emotional hole carved out in the last few years.
The middle of 2022 has come and gone, and some people compare their achievements against their New Year's resolutions. For most people, the first six months of any year are a blooper reel of trials and errors, with absolutely no hope of a happy ending. After #SurviveTheNextSixMonths trended as a topic on Twitter, it is clear that we are searching for a hero who can save the day, the year and even your life. Wellness influencers, self-help authors, and life coaches are controlling a massive slice of the algorithm pie, gaining followers with their meditative affirmations, poetic stances on self-love, and relatable spiritual rhetoric for tough times. Therapy talk has seeped into everyday conversations because we are connecting to it, and we have popular psychology to thank for that.
Popular (Pop) psychology covers ideology or therapy techniques gained from a book, blog or T.V. show with promises to provide easy solutions to complex problems. The study of human behavior dates back to the 17th century but fully emerged when Sigmund Freud self-published psychoanalytic theories that provided insight into human nature. Today, a Super Soul Sunday binge and a well-spoken life coach's articulation of your thoughts is replacing the science of our personal feelings, and the size of the internet's opinions is not helping.
According to the World Health Organization, depression and anxiety cost the global economy US $ 1 trillion each year due to the substantial effect of mental conditions on school, work performance, and relationships. However, MarketResearch.com forecasts a 6% average annual growth of the self-improvement market to $14 billion by 2025. Naturally, the pandemic has sent the world into a self-improvement panic, with motivational speaking, personal coaching, and online self-help seminars shifting the pop psychology tide. Fortunes are made at the expense of our terror, and ignorance about our health is to blame.
Clinical psychologist Dana Gionta, PhD., clarifies that the anonymity of social media is popularizing pop psychology yet still stigmatizes prescribed therapy and counselling. In an article for Psychology Today, she states, "Most people who initiate counselling do not have a serious mental illness. They have serious life challenges or are going through difficult life-cycle transitions that may be taxing their current ability to cope." If you go to counselling, you are crazy, and pop psychology becomes a less severe self-diagnosis/treatment tool that is good enough to get the job done.
Pop psychology has been invaluable in the general conversation about human behavior and evolution. The best-case scenario is making you more aware of how you treat yourself and others. However, a shelf of self-help books, retweets, and screenshots of deep quotes cannot replace the need for professional help.
Psychological information gets convoluted after circulating the internet for long enough. Therefore, pop psychology should not replace the value of actual psychological knowledge, even if it is easier to deal with difficult life challenges from behind the brightness of your home screen.
To truly #SurviveTheNextSixMonths, you must make an executive decision about your health by prioritizing it above the desire to double tap or proceed to checkout. Popular things are born and die every hour. A healthy emotional and mental foundation will ensure you survive every popular trend for years to come.
Recent studies have suggested that the use of hair relaxers and other chemical hair products may increase a woman's risk of developing uterine fibroids. Several studies have linked exposure to hair relaxers with an increased prevalence of uterine fibroids among black women.
The chemicals in hair relaxers, especially those containing lye, have been found to be endocrine disruptors. Endocrine disruptors are chemicals that can interfere with the body's hormonal balance. They can mimic or block hormones, leading to an imbalance that may contribute to the development of uterine fibroids.
One study found that women who used hair relaxers once a month or more for at least a year had a 30% increased risk of developing uterine fibroids compared to women who did not use relaxers. Another study found that black women who used hair relaxers had a 1.4- to 2.3-fold increased risk of developing fibroids compared to those who never used relaxers.
These studies suggest that there may be a connection between the use of chemical hair products, especially hair relaxers.
According to research by McLeod Health, uterine fibroids are more prevalent in black women than in any other ethnic group. The National Institute of Environmental Health Sciences estimates that 70% to 80% of black women will develop benign fibroids by their late forties and 50% would have had them by age 35. Although there isn’t any conclusive research as to why fibroids are more common in black women than in any other ethnic group and what exactly causes uterine fibroids, there is a growing need to explore treatment options as many women suffer from the symptoms without any proper diagnosis. Some women end up seeing a doctor when symptoms are severe and they have developed anemia, are fatigued, and have experienced heavy periods for a long time. Some black women are said to wait up to 4 years before seeking treatment. Research in sub-Saharan Africa shows prolonged delays in going to the doctor are due to lack of knowledge, corrosive poverty, transportation limitations, misinformation from family and friends, as well as wrongful deep-seated cultural beliefs. Furthermore, the challenges faced by women with uterine fibroids include inadequate access to appropriate healthcare facilities, lack of available well-trained providers, poor quality of services when available, affordability issues, and poor nutritional status.
What are uterine fibroids?
Uterine fibroids are growths that develop in the uterus and are often referred to in medical practice as leiomyomas or myomas. There are three types of major uterine fibroids located in different parts of the uterus. These are Intramural fibroids that grow within the muscular uterine wall, Submucosal fibroids which bulge into the uterine cavity, and Subserosal fibroids which grow on the outside of the uterus.
What causes uterine fibroids?
Although the cause of fibroids is not known, there are several risk factors identified which include;
• Family history
Fibroids appear to have a genetic basis and are common in families where there is a history of fibroids regardless of race, ethnicity, or nationality.
• Obesity and nutrition
Women who have a higher body mass index (BMI) are more likely to develop uterine fibroids. This is because they tend to have higher estrogen levels which may contribute to the growth of fibroids. Furthermore, vitamin D deficiency contributes to fibroid growth.
• Use of hair relaxers
Black Women’s Health study showed a positive trend between hair relaxers and uterine fibroids. The study depicts that women who use hair relaxers more frequently and experienced more burns and scalp lesions are exposed to hormonally active compounds that could contribute to fibroid growth.
Symptoms of Uterine fibroids
Although in some cases there are no obvious symptoms, some women notice belly weight, as though they are pregnant. This is because, in the case of multiple uterine fibroids, they can grow in size. Other symptoms include;
• Heavy menstrual bleeding
• Menstrual periods lasting more than a week or irregular periods
• Pelvic pressure or pain
• Frequent urination
• Difficulty emptying the bladder
• Constipation
• Backache or leg pains
Early detection
Pelvic examinations are most commonly used to detect uterine fibroids. Furthermore, an ultrasound will be conducted to confirm the presence of uterine fibroids. Doctors may perform an ultrasound using a device on your abdomen (transabdominal) or place it inside your vagina (transvaginal). This allows them to see the uterus, detect any abnormalities and in the case where there are fibroids, measure them. Other methods used by doctors to detect fibroids include inserting a small telescope through your cervix and into your uterus to examine uterine walls, using sterile saline to expand your uterine cavity to get a better view of fibroids, or using a dye to highlight your reproductive system to help determine if your fallopian tubes are blocked.
Treatment options
Fibroids can be as small as 1 mm and can further grow to more than 20 cm in extreme cases. When left untreated, they can rapture, causing damage to other organs such as your bladder. Only 1% of uterine fibroids are cancerous, and early detection is pivotal to receiving treatment. Although there is no singular prescribed method for treating fibroids, there are treatment options available depending on your symptoms and underlying health conditions. Doctors may put you on birth control to regulate your hormone levels which will help shrink your fibroids. Over-the-counter meds are also available to relieve pain. Other treatment methods include a medical practitioner freezing fibroids using extreme cold, injecting small particles to cut off blood supply to the fibroids, or using high frequency, high-energy sound waves to target the fibroids inside a special MRI machine. In more severe cases, a myomectomy which is the surgical removal of fibroids followed by the reconstruction of the uterus is prescribed. This doesn’t affect the chances of getting pregnant however, in more severe cases, a hysterectomy, which is the complete removal of the uterus, is performed by doctors.
Pregnancy and infertility
Women with fibroids can get pregnant. In rare cases, fibroids can prevent an egg from attaching itself to the womb lining or even block the fallopian tube. Usually, the size and location of the fibroid will affect the type of delivery you have. Furthermore, fibroids can tend to affect the development of the baby and increase the risk of premature labor or even a miscarriage.
A key takeaway for black women is to ensure that they always have a routine check-up with their gynecologist, especially when they experience symptoms such as prolonged periods and pelvic pain. Although fibroids may not physically kill you, they can impact your quality of life and relationships due to the health effects they present. Be sure to talk to your healthcare provider about symptoms and treatment options.
The journey to a better life and mindset begins with self-love, body positivity aims at achieving this by breaking down society's views of what the accepted size, weight, and dress code of women should be.
Body positivity refers to the assertion that all individuals deserve to have a positive body image regardless of how society views the ideal shape, size, and appearance. Body positivity does not only focus on challenging how society views individuals based on body appearance but also recognizes that there are judgments on race, gender, sexuality, and disability.
History of Body Positivity:
Ideas of body positivity have been around for over a hundred years, but have only been more recently formalized into a social movement. Body positivity dates back as far as 1850 when women protested the use of corsets to change their body shape.
In the late 1960s, the fat acceptance movement was formed with a focus on ending the culture of fat-shaming and discrimination. This is when the National Association of Advance Fat acceptance was established and focused on changing how individuals talk and view weight.
Since this time, the body positivity movement has grown to include activists, health professionals, and scientific researchers. The body positivity movement has also impacted the fashion and advertising industries, with the use of social media, and general levels of inclusion and acceptance of different body types within the wider community.
There are many misconceptions about individuals who believe in body positivity, one being that those who embrace it are lazy and neglect taking care of themselves through diet and exercise. Another, is that they are simply people who don’t feel overly negative about their body, are vain, make judgments on others to improve their body positivity and simply ignore or reframe constant social messages about body and appearance.
The psychology behind the body positivity movement:
Body positivity is founded on positive psychology which focuses on ways to improve functioning and well-being rather than focusing on illness or disorder. The body-positive movement was born out of the understanding that negative messages about bodies were emotionally, psychologically, and physically damaging and body positivity embraces the fact that there is no ideal body type, weight, or size.
Many problems arise when an individual focuses on society's body image norms, such as depression, low self-esteem, and eating disorders.
How to embrace body positivity:
Avoid judgment and negativity: this is a crucial step in practicing body positivity. This may be difficult as social media and television influence how women view themselves. Be careful not to judge others and refrain from spending time overanalyzing the appearance of others, especially celebrities.
Incorporate positive self-talk: be real with yourself, when you find yourself having negative thoughts take a step back before making self-judgment. Practice mindful awareness by taking note of what is happening in the moment when negative thoughts creep in, once you begin practicing awareness you can slow down the momentum around negative thoughts and replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts. This will assist in building self-confidence.
Surround yourself with positive people: Building new life-changing rituals is so much easier when you don’t have to go through it alone. Surround yourself with a community that is motivating, supportive, and positive and encourages you to practice forgiveness and self-compassion. Asking for help is sometimes easier said than done, but getting into a circle with people who have a growth-oriented mindset will create a safe space for you to blossom into the best version of yourself.
Nourish yourself with good food: Instead of focusing on ‘your diet’, emphasize your nourishment; eat food that makes you feel good both inside and out. This is your body, your journey, you get to define what that means to you. The word ‘diet’ is almost the opposite of the body positivity movement, as ‘diet’ culture has dominated society’s beauty expectations creating stigmas around body image and weight. But just like there is no wrong way to have a body, there is no universal right way to eat; we all metabolize food differently and have individualized lifestyles. There are a ton of diets out there, paleo, keto, vegan, whole-foods, flexitarian; whatever you choose remember it's not about what you call your diet. Plan your nourishment around your health and wellness goals
Practice self-compassion and self-love: learning to love yourself and your body isn't easy. There are days when you'll feel like you want to crawl out of your skin, never get out of bed, or feel the weight of your body holding you down. Give yourself a break, and show yourself some compassion. Life can be challenging, and the least we can do is give ourselves a big hug and remember to take things one step at a time. Create a self-love mantra to practice every morning when you wake up, something you can say to yourself in the mirror or think while you're getting out of bed. Have this mantra be your go-to when your inner critic shows up to judge yourself.
Body positivity begins with your thoughts, then your words, and finally your actions. You spend more time with yourself than anyone else, and how you think about yourself, talk to yourself, and treat yourself can make or break this lifelong relationship.
Michaela Coel’s British series “I May Destroy You” sparked more than just controversy around the practice of stealthing and the issue of consent, giving us the vocabulary to articulate this crime committed on women, men, and members of the LGBTQI+ community. It is no secret that the sexual and reproductive health of women has been under siege by hetero-patriarchal systems that continue to disenfranchise women of their right to consent to sexual intercourse. Sexual assault varies in how it affects women. There have been a growing number of ‘stealthing’ cases which is regarded as rape-adjacent in some countries.
What is ‘stealthing’?
Non- consensual condom removal or tampering, colloquially known as ‘stealthing’ is a widely debated practice which not only amounts to violation, but qualifies as rape-adjacent in some countries. This is because it is seen as an act that is rooted in violating the terms of consensual sex and exposing the victim to unwanted pregnancy and STIs. What ‘stealthing’ does, is it changes the discourse of consensual sex, into non- consensual sex. The clearly stated conditions concerning the sexual encounter i.e., wearing a condom are violated during this practice.
Contrary to what people may assume, ‘stealthing’ is not only prevalent in areas were intergenerational and transactional sex takes place, but it is also present in liberal communities such as the LGBTQI+ community, where it is considered to be rampant and rarely talked about. It is no secret that the non-consensual removal of a condom during sex exposes sexual partners to sexually transmitted diseases such as HIV, which through ‘stealthing’ is known as ‘gift giving.’ This is a term used to describe a partner infecting their victim with a sexually transmitted disease knowingly and without consent. In a study on Intentional Transmission of HIV by HIV-Positive Men to their HIV-Negative Sex Partners by Hugh Klein, the indication is that there is a prevalence of men who use the internet to actively seek and identify partners with whom they can have unprotected sex with and pass on HIV.
Why do men engage in non-consensual condom removal?
In a study by K Davis on Factors associated with young men’s non-consensual condom removal, almost 10% of the participants reported to have engaged in non-consensual condom removal since the age of 14 years and these men are said to have a history of sexual aggression. Alexandra Brodsky’s study published in the Columbia Journal of Gender and Law, shows that there is evidence of men who engage in ‘stealthing,’ and consider it a ‘man’s right’ and an act to spread their ‘male seed.’ Some have expressed that ‘stealthing’ does not only increase physical pleasure, but also attribute the act to what is a ‘natural male instinct.’
‘Stealthing’ and the law
In many parts of the world, there is a legal grey area around prosecuting stealthing. In a ground-breaking case in Switzerland, the Swiss Federal Supreme Court handed down a judgement where a man found guilty of stealthing and was subsequently given a 12-month suspended sentence. In another case in the UK, a man was convicted of non- consensual condom removal during his sexual intercourse with a sex worker, the issue of conditional consent was brought to light. This case set the tone for stealthing-related cases to be pursued, as they have previously been difficult to prosecute. In some instances, the limited nature of legislative provisions in a successful prosecution of a stealthing case are due to the wearing of a condom being an additional condition for the sexual encounter to take place and thus not falling under the general consent to sexual intercourse.
In the UK, amendments have been made to the CPS Guidance on Rape and Sexual Offence to guide in the understanding of conditional consent and serves as a reference. In the US, under New York public law, stealthing can be considered a misdemeanor in cases where the person has infected the other with a venereal disease. The victim can further sue for damages if they can show that they got the disease from the perpetrator. In South Africa, an illustration was shared by the Soul City institute which states that stealthing is rape and should be reported. However, there has not been any sufficient case law and legislative provisions to highlight and provide for how a case of stealthing can be successfully prosecuted.
Victimization through non-consensual condom removal
Victims of stealthing who were interviewed by attorney and author of Sexual Justice, Alexandra Brodsky described the practice as inhumane, in that it robs them of their given right to consent, and further punts the issues of male superiority. The impact of stealthing on a victim can be physical, mental, and emotional. In the popular UK series, I May Destroy You, the practice, and the impact of stealthing was depicted when Michaela Coel’s character Arabella slept with a man who removed his condom without her consent. It is through this play that many were able to not only speak about their experience with stealthing but express the several ways they had been victimized, just like Arabella.
The bigger question remains, why haven't there been reported cases if people are speaking of their experiences and there are vast reports online of statistics around stealthing?
Zoe Williams writes in The Guardian that the reason for women opting not to report these cases is centered around the concept of anxiety amplification. She writes, ‘’women don’t want to give ballast to the myth of “crying rape” – we don’t want to undermine, or muddy the waters for, women who have had more traumatic rapes. And so, there is a tacit process of sub-division– call it for brevity the “Ken Clarke” – where we stratify rapes into classic, serious, violent, marital, sort-of, technical and maybe. It’s unspoken because those are distinctions you would make for yourself, but you would never want to tell another woman how serious or unserious her experience had been. Silence militates against solidarity, so one perceives one’s own case to be in competition with another woman's rather than in concert with it.’’
As we await the development of law regarding this issue, it is important for us to keep having conversations around consent and an understanding that consent can be withdrawn, new consent must be sought, actively seeking ongoing consent during sexual acts is pivotal.
The LGBTQI+ community often faces challenges with acceptance from society and the community around them. However, rejection is always most painful when it is from your own people and one can argue that society treats queers differently based on their race. The Zimbabwean community in particular, seems to tolerate white queers to blacks.
In November 2021, South African entertainer Somizi Mhlongo was invited to attend a function in Harare Zimbabwe and it is alleged that members of The Apostolic Christian Church wrote to the government saying that it opposed Mhlongo’s visit and that its members felt “violated” by it. Leaders of the Apostolic Council, a coalition of more than 600 Christian groups, said in its letter to President Emmerson Mnangagwa that "Zimbabwe doesn't tolerate homosexuality. Spiritually we would have disturbed a lot, and physically we would have openly accepted homosexuality in Zimbabwe hence affecting our children". Mhlongo went on to cancel his trip to Zimbabwe.
Now recently, talk show host Ellen De Generes visited Zimbabwe with her wife Portia and some Zimbabweans took it to social media to express their criticism towards the different treatment as both Somizi and Ellen are openly gay. They alleged that this was a form of discrimination because of race. Zimbabwe has always been known to be anti-LGBTQI+, but is it really against queers or just black queers? Some have argued that queers should not be as vocal about their sexuality and where is the democracy and freedom in that? While we celebrate pride month, it is important to be aware of others who cannot be free and vocal about their sexuality because of their background, religious beliefs, and the societies they live in.
The winter season is here and is known for icy weather, colds and flus but is also associated with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). SAD is the least spoken about negative element of this season and is a mood disorder that occurs at the same time every year.
The disorder is a type of depression which is related to changes in the season and SAD symptoms are generally more apparent and serve during winter.
Symptoms of SAD:
Symptoms may vary with in individuals varying from mild to severe.
The causes of SAD are unknown however, the following factors may play a role in the occurrence of SAD:
-Reduced levels of sunlight in winter may disrupt your body’s internal clock.
-A drop in serotonin- Serotonin is a chemical responsible for carrying messages between nerve cells in the brain and throughout your body. Serotonin plays a role in the body’s functions such as mood, sleep, digestion and sexual desire.
During winter it is vital to take extra care of body and mind. SAD can be prevented by doing the following:
-Get sunlight whenever possible, step outside for a walk or open curtains and windows which will increase your body’s serotonin levels. Sunlight will help in brightening up the room and will make you feel more awake.
-Exercise is vital, but exercise is especially essential during winter as many people do not work out during this season due to cold weather. Try exercising 2-3 times a week, you can go to the gym, but if you cannot you can take short walks or do indoor home exercises. Exercise not only keeps you healthy and fit but is also a form of relaxation. Remember, rest is also essential as it keeps your body and mind regular and repairs and resets the mind.
Jasmine Welcome
If you are struggling with SAD and find it difficult to cope with daily tasks, you should see your GP. You can also contact the following helplines and a professional will assist.
Cipla Mental health Helpline (24 hours)- 0800456789(South Africa)
Suicide Crisis-(24 hours)- 0800 567567
Lifeline South Africa- 086 132 2322
“If you find yourself very black and very tired, Very tired and very black, Very woman and very black and very tired Rest and mean it” Uphile Chisala
This quote always takes me aback and gets me thinking how sometimes being a black woman can be tiring. Let us be honest, being black is not easy but being a black female can even be more tiring. I was raised by a very strong single mother who taught me there is nothing that I cannot do as long as I work hard on it. And that’s how I have lived my life. During my career in the legal field I always had a lot to say about gender equality and women empowerment. But I honestly rarely ever dealt with the issue of race. Fast forward to 2018 when I started my journey in academia as a junior lecturer at a white institution, little did I know that I was about to begin a journey of a lifetime. When I started my academia journey in 2018, I was hopeful, enthusiastic, and looking forward to a long lasting career. In 2019, I started noticing what I term ‘wind racism’. This is the kind of racism that you experience from a colleague, but you are unsure whether it was racism or not. I had students question me in class in an attacking manner. One student even asked, “how many black lectures are here now” and I said “there is four of us now. The student responded by saying “oh, there is a lot of you people now” I was so dump founded that no words came out of me after that. Once, there was a colleague who didn’t recognized me because I changed my hairstyle. When you are female in Academia you have to prove yourself a lot but when you are female and black you have to cross-oceans in order to be taken seriously. In 2020, the environment that I was in took a tall on me and my mental health suffered. I went through a weird period in my life and it did not help that I was suffering from the imposter syndrome. Getting a promotion from junior lecturer to a lecturer was a challenge that I faced with all that I had. Through all these challenges, I made the decision to make my mental health a priority and to use every available resource to grow aspects of my area that needed development. There is so much that black women go through in academia, but what I have found to be most helpful is to focus on your mental health, get a good mentor, ask for help and most importantly, rest- and mean it.
About the writer
Takalanga Maziya is an admitted attorney of the High Court of South Africa currently working as a law lecturer. She is in my early stages of PhD studies. Takalanga is passionate about gender equality, women empowerment, women and mental health, and promoting the rights of children. She also has her own startup company that focuses on research and legal consultancy services.
Takalanga Maziya
Copyright © 2024 africanfemalevoices - The views and opinions expressed in this piece are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of African Female Voices. No copyright intended with the images provided. We do not own the pictures supplied on the site. We do not sell or profit from the intellectual property presented here. Get in touch with us for a removal request
We use cookies to analyze website traffic and optimize your website experience.